Fierce: adj., menacingly wild, savage, or hostile

As an avid fan of all things fierce and all things Beyonce, I was listening to "I am...Sasha Fierce." She has a song called Ave Maria, not a cover of the Schubert aria, but a modernized pop version of it (I know buddy, I know). I'm not a huge fan of religion but I have always been moved by Schubert's Ave Maria, so I was listening along and it was nothing special. But with every chorus I was getting more and more annoyed, because when she sings "Ave Maria," in the chorus she rolls the "r". It is the only "r" she rolls in the entire song. Last time I checked Beyonce's song is in English. And in English, we don't roll "r"s (I know this because I can't roll an "r" to save my life). So to superficially adopt the rolled "r" in just one word for the entire song annoyed the beejeezus out of me. Unless you are singing the "Ave Maria" in Italian, keep your rolling consonants to yourself.

On a brighter note, I'm done for the semester! My final final was this morning. I thought it was really unfair because all of the questions were biased towards students who went to class occassionally. The psychology of a person taking a multiple choice test when they aren't that familiar with the subject is an incredible thing. At least mine was. I was trying to figure out if certain one's were trick questions, if he deliberately defined words wrong to confuse us so we'd think it was the right answer but it was actually wrong, etc. One question was about policies the Chinese government were thinking of adopting to prevent Taiwan from becoming fully independent and one of the choices was "make loud noises at the leaders of the Taiwanese government" (I'm pretty sure that wasn't a practical policy alternative for the Chinese government.) Here is a list of things I learned in my Post-Utopian China class, and literally all the information I had for my final:
1. I don't want to go to China
2. If you live in the far west regions of China, life sucks.
3. If you are a woman and live in the far west regions of China, life sucks even more.
4. If you live in Southeast China, and aren't a migrant worker, your life is slightly less sucky.
5. Women in China commit suicide a lot.
I knew I was in rough shape when at one point I said to myself "Oh, I think I remember that from a documentary from Mr. Petersen's class...."

China Is A Country.

You obviously wrote about Nosferatu, the cornerstone of German Expressionist cinema.

And of course you are right, surely Space is miraculous enough to warrant an annual celebration, new planet discovery or not. We need to find sparklers again and maybe we should try making the cupcakes from scratch this year?

I studied again tonight for almost...half an hour. Which brings my total study time to 50 minutes! Clearly I am sufficiently prepared to be examined about Post-Utopian China. Go on, ask me anything. I dare you!

"SWV (Single White Vampire) seeks Hot Chicks"

I think you're forgetting, buddy, that space itself is enough to celebrate on Space Day. Your implication that you need something more was almost the end of this friendship, but then I reread the part about how you walked into a bookcase and realized you've got a tough life, so I forgive you.

I thought you might enjoy a few excerpts from my notes from a movie I had to write a paper on. See if you can guess what movie it is!

-Hutter cuts towards his thumb! That's not very safety conscious of him!
-Why isn't that man wearing pants?
-Vampires dig hot chicks
-"New Plague Baffles Science"
-Everyone is dead!
-How far can you possibly carry your own coffin through a crowded city before someone notices?

Here's a hint: It's not Twilight.

I Forgot To Ask...

...Did your professor discover a real planet? Or just another Pluto-esque planet? Am I going to have to rebuild my Styrofoam solar system from 7th grade again? 

On the bright side, we may actually have something to celebrate on space day this year. 

Puns Used To Be The Highest Form Of Humor

Which is why I love the title of your last post so much. Being the neglectful friend I am, I just saw that post now. For a few days I was consumed by deadlines for papers and was basically dead to the world. Now that I have just one multiple choice final standing in between me and a completed semester...I'm still basically dead to the world. I, obviously, blame you. If you hadn't told me about that stupid website (which shall remain nameless) I would NOT have lost the past 72 hours of my life to Dexter, Weeds, and True Blood. I did work, but only two four hour shifts, which were hardly worth getting up for. I have to work from 9-3 and 6-11:30pm tomorrow so I guess it's a good thing I've done nothing but vegetate for the last 72 hours...I'll be well rested. Except that I  haven't been sleeping well, because I haven't really done anything to make me tired. I'm in a sad state friend, and cannot wait for your return home. 

I am horribly unprepared for the final I have on Wednesday, but it's multiple choice and it's a gen ed so I can only bring myself to care so much. Every week in class we watch a movie, and I almost always skipped those days, so I was looking information about them up on Wikipedia. Studying for almost a steady 20 minutes has wiped me out. That's how fried my brain is right now. 

I have absolutely no entertaining stories for you my friend. I was going to try and make one up, but like I said, I studied for almost 20 minutes and I'm only human after all. So I'll leave with an old (but so far untold) story of my social awkwardness/general clumsiness. I was walking by an old professor's office and saw he was in there. I popped in to say "Hello," we chatted for a few minutes, I turned to leave and walked into a bookcase. 

Out of This World

In the interest of not having the most recent post be something EXTREMELY embarrassing, I thought you might like to know that a U of R professor, who's class I took this semester, was on the news tonight. She discovered a new planet. She was on right after the story about future-senator Fran Fine.

I think the local news airs stories in order of importance to the universe.

My Loneliness Is Killing Me

I know you don't drink, buddy, but I think it's important that you know the rules to the Scream drinking game. Lonnie and I played it this weekend, and it resulted in some horrible things. Well, they were horrible for me. You would have been wildly entertained had you been there.

RULES:
1. Every time someone dies, drink.
2. Whenever you see any kind of blade, drink.
3. Every time another horror movie is referred to, drink.
4. Whenever someone alludes to the fact that Sydney's mother is a whore, drink.
5. Every time Courtney Cox is wearing something LIME FUCKING GREEN, drink.

Using only those rules, Lon Lon and I drank enough to stumble to campus, do karaoke (Hit Me Baby One More Time), and wander around the residence halls talking about Anna Paquin's...you know... for about an hour before finding someone we knew and having fun with dental dams. But not the kind of fun that you're supposed to have with dental dams.

Anyway, what I'm trying to say, is that you'd love the Scream drinking game and that we should get a bottle of rum and live it up when I get home.

Your Plan Backfired (shocker!)

The pun you posted (in an attempt to spite me) was a hit at work today. I made two more friends. So there. 

Post of Spite

I had planed to write an incredibly interesting and witty post to make up for not writing anything at all in the past couple of weeks. But then Eileen made fun of me, and so out of spite I'm just going to tell a pun.

What kind of pussy does a priest get?
Nun.

Midmorning motivation

Received this e-mail from my mother:
Do you want to read this book that I have called DEWEY The Small-Town Library Cat Who Touched the World?

You know I am bad at keeping my accounts in order. I have more than once suffered the pain of being charged a $35 overdraft fee for overdrawing 67 cents or some other ridiculously small number. Today I feared that iTunes had fucked me by charging me for a movie rental a week after I rented it. My balance was dwindling in the single digits, and I was sure I was screwed. Or was I? Turns out, I had an extra $16! Granted, that is not a large sum of money, but in these tough financial times any little bit helps. It's amazing what a simple thing like finding out you had a little bit more money than you thought to put a spring in your step.

Divine Inspiration

Not surprisingly, I am procrastinating. It's hard to get work done because the only thing that can really force me to be productive is when a paper is due the next day, reinforced by the growing urge to fall asleep. As neither of these conditions is present at the moment, I'm trying to do everything other than work.

In that spirit, I'm wondering what motivates people to do things. I mean I only "work" when I have to. But I also only do things I enjoy when I have too. In my insufferable creative writing class, all of the students walk around with their notebooks, jotting things down, writing awful poems (that they think are brilliant), documenting their thoughts. I've never thought or felt anything that pressing that I was compelled to document it (either in writing, in a song,  in a piece of art, etc.) Which is why I have tons of blank Moleskine notebooks. I feel like one of the few people that can read something, or look at a piece of art and literally not think a thing. My mind will be a complete blank. Often in those situations there is someone near by who needs feedback, so I have to jump start my brain and I'll tell myself "Quick, start thinking something!!" Does this happen to you? 

This dilemma has been put into sharp focus because 1) I have a final portfolio for Creative Writing due on thursday, and have yet to execute a poem I'm even slightly pleased with; and 2) my roommate's band is rehearsing in the living room, and I see all of their notes and lyrics and I wonder where they come from. I'm starting to worry that I simply lack the imagination to create something from scratch. 

I frequently think about some of my heroes (Ricky Gervais and Stephen Merchant) and how they are able to develop so much about a character and communicate so much to the audience with a simple gesture. How do they do it? How does someone create The Office? It is mind-blowing. Just the simple act of Brent straightening his tie, or his smile/grimace--there is so much nuance and genius in it...It boggles the mind. I'm not even aiming that high really. I'm not expecting to make something like the office, or write a song like "Poses"--I just don't want to be a complete hack. Thoughts?

The Coiffeur Strikes Again!

I was on the bus this morning, making my usual commute downtown and we were stopped at a light by the Capitol. This is without doubt one of my favorite parts of my commute, as there is nothing I love more than staring at the confused State Workers in their floral skirts, opaque tights, white socks and white walking shoes. But today, on this dreary, gray, November morning, their was a ray of sunlight. A man in his mid-thirties had a run-of-the-mill bad haircut. However (and I cannot emphasize this enough) instead of having the usual rat tail, coming from the back and bottom of ones head, this gentleman and his visionary coiffeur inverted the traditional rat tail and decided that having the "rat tail" coming out of the right side of his head would be a fantastic idea. It should go without saying that I agree completely. It takes the white trash factor of a rat tail, and combines it with the practicality of the hair wraps you got in middle school (where they wrap thread and beads around a chunk of hair). It created an unstoppable force (much like Sasha Fierce). Oh friend, the beauty...I pray it will never fade from my memory.

Cat Calls and Novelty Cups

If they had an award for “most irritating pop song of the early 90s that it also the catchiest,” it would most likely go to “Tom’s Diner.” That might be why all of my coworkers yell at me when I start whistling it at work. I can’t help it, it’s just what naturally comes out when I start to whistle! Regardless, it might be worth my time to try and retrain myself. And so, as I was leaving work the other night, I changed my tune. After getting two notes out I realized that what I was whistling sounded nothing like what I was trying to whistle, and so I gave up. However, what I was whistling did sound alarmingly like a cat call, and I unfortunately made eye contact with a gaggle of freshman who were standing at the top of the stairs. Sorry, ladies, for the unwanted (and inadvertent) sexual attention.

In other news, my landlords brought over a bunch of cups that they were going to throw out, which can only mean one thing. That’s right; I’m drinking my gin and tonic out of a comically large pink, plastic martini glass, though “glass“ might not be the right word here…

Second Post: Not As Much Pressure

Hey Buddy. Knowing me as long as you have (since high school) you know that I am many things. First and foremost however, I am lazy. In true celebration of my laziness, my first attempt at an unbelievably difficult task will be to make a shadow puppet show for a presentation in one of my English classes. Can you think of a better way to fill 5-7 minutes of the class's time? I can't. As usual, I am trying to compensate for a complete lack of substance with the little bit of charm I can muster. At this point, I'm torn between cutting out doll like shapes and gluing Popsicle sticks to the bottom, or drawing a frame by frame progression of my tale on overhead projector sheets. I'm leaning towards drawing on overhead projector sheets because it will be a brilliant showcase for my outstanding stick-figure drawing talent. And where better to display said talent than in an upper level English class?

I will keep you up-to-date with my progress. We will know if I have succeeded on the day of the presentation--December 2nd. Hopefully I'll have some mock ups to show you while you're in town for Thanksgiving. I have a really good feeling about this.

First Post, SO Much Pressure!

Well, hello, and welcome to our blog. The general idea of "If They Can Do It So Can We" is to allow the whole world to be exposed to the potential hilarity of a conversation between my fellow blogger and I. However, due to the fact that we, more often than not, go on and on about boring an unimpressive things, "If They Can Do It..." will also have monthly (or weekly, depending on how ambitious we are feeling) installments of Eileen and I attempting to complete a ridiculously difficult task. We will most likely fail miserably, and you will have the pleasure of reading about it. I am maintaining that my ridiculously difficult task for the month is starting a blog. Your turn, Eileen.